If You’re Looking For A Dream Girl
I think the very first time I thought I could be attracted to both sexes was one night in my second year of university. I had had a horrible day and had snuggled up in the big bed my best friend had. We spend the night talking and giggling fit to burst. She smoked and we both drank cheap wine mixed with juice. Her name was J. We both fell asleep and I had a very sexy dream in which I was having a bath with a girl and we were making out. We were very naked and very wet. The kisses were amazing and when I woke up there was a tingly and explosive feeling of desire up and down my entire body. I was a virgin at this point and had never felt this weird feeling before. Was this what sex felt like? I asked myself. Does this mean I want to have sex with girls? I sat up in the bed and looked at my beautiful friend asleep beside me. I love you so fucking much, I thought fiercely. I was confused and very very aroused. When my friend woke up she looked up at me through sleepy but bright and big brown eyes. She smiled at me with a new shyness. I looked down at her in a similar way. ‘’What did you dream about?’’ She asks.
‘’Being with a girl and loving it. I’m all tingly now. You?’’
She sits up and we stare at each other a moment.
‘’I dreamt that too!’’
We look at each other.
I should have kissed her there and then.
There are memories from my days growing up on a farm with Mormon parents, that fill me with shame when I look back on them. They bring me shame because I am looking back on things said a long time ago that were said or laughed at before I knew any better. I am looking back with a wealth of knowledge and amazing friendships, that I did not have as a 14 year old girl. I remember my father and my brother and some other people making homophobic comments and laughing. I laughed as well. I do not even remember what exactly was said but it was something about gay boys secretly liking being bullied by straight guys as the gay boys were attracted to the straight ones. Any attention is good attention, right? This memory haunts me. In the Mormon religion it is said it is alright to have same sex tendancies as long as you don’t act on them. But, in the Mormon religion you are also told not to masturbate, so. It is a bit of a catch 22 if you ask me. Which you have.
That memory of long ago ignorance is not as bad as being with my family, now that I have long broken free of a narrow view of what is allowed and what is not. I was a bridesmaid for my sisters wedding. The celebrant was kind enough to share his views on what weddings were for and who they were for. I stood there in the pretty pink dress I hated in heels that I loved but could not walk in, and tried very hard to keep my very expressive face from showing what expression this sort of talk brought out in me. It was my sister’s day. I could not make a scene she would never forgive me. I love her, you know? When we were all together in a room awaiting the moment to emerge into the reception room. I just had to take the opportunity to ask her. I still thought maybe the guy had spoken for simply himself and my sister would be outraged with me. ‘’Yes, we wanted that stuff said. Don’t start anything on my day.’’ I was told. I understood perfectly. This is when my decision regarding marriage was made. I don’t want to get married. That day simply nudged me over the edge from uncertain to nah ah, honey.
Then it was Christmas on my parent’s farm and I was sitting with my sister and her husband as we discussed stuff. Being gay came up and I got excited because I thought I had found a way to make my sister and her husband understand about being gay not being a choice you make and that sexuality is something fluid. ‘’You know how angry you get when you see someone staring at me or making me feel bad for things about myself I cannot change?’’ I say. ‘’Well, cant you see by being anti gay marriage is the same thing? You are simply punishing people for being who they are.’’ I was being very patient and keeping the shaky voice at bay. This should work. I was convinced of it.
‘’Stop acting like you’re better than everyone.’’ Is the response I get from my sister’s husband. I give up. I am sorry to all my wonderful and hilarious and smart gay friends. I wanted to keep trying but it was too hard and I wanted to have a good Christmas with the people who do love me and who I love. But here with you babes, tonight. I don’t have the shaky scared feeling I had then.
Another awesome narrative involving my beloved parents, was a year ago we were watching the ABC news. My parents raised me on the ABC, so it is a constant bafflement to me that they always vote Liberal. I guess this proves that The ABC is the most balanced channel in Australia. We are watching the news and Penny Wong comes on the screen. My Dad does not like Penny Wong and he says so.
‘’I hope it is not just because she is a lesbian.’’ I say.
‘’Well, that does not help.’’
I make big excasberated sound. ‘’It should not matter to you what a politicians sexuality is. You should focus on what matters; the policies. ‘’ I take a deep breath. ‘’If I wanted to bring my girlfriend home for Christmas. Would she be welcome? Would you guys be ok with this? Better than ok?’’
I need to be clear that I am not gay. I do not want to mislead anybody and cause confusion. I really wanted to discuss this with my parents and try and educate them. They are good people and this anti gay stuff, though deeply entrenched due to their faith, is not their only attribute. As far as Mormon couples go, they are a couple of misfits. But, back to the dad response.
My father squirms a little in his armchair, the windows behind him show a scene of vast blue sky and dry brown scrub going on and on, as he considers the question. It is important that they answer this honestly. My father thinks a moment and says. ‘’I would be uncomfortable with it but I would try and be ok.’’
I imagine my possible girlfriend. I think about how in love we would be and how much I would want to be able to show off how happy my girlfriend made me, to the family that loves me. My Dad’s answer was not good enough. It proved that there would be issues. She would be made to feel not completely welcome. In a place full of people who had a very important thing in common: me.
I look at my mother and she looks at me. I am waiting for her answer.
‘’Would she bring presents?’’ She eventually said. My Dad laughs and I sigh.
The idea that my beloved would have to bribe my mother in order to be accepted, is sickening. It is particularly so, when boyfriends have only had to love me in order to be loved by my parents. The double standard is jarring and obvious.
When I was doing bible study every morning before school. Mormons call this ‘’Seminary.’’ My teacher Sister Rechter told me all the gay people she had ever met had been very sad. Looking back I wonder if they were sad because they were being exposed to some pretty heavy handed god fearing smugness, and not because of their inherent and wonderful sexuality.
Every time I get told by a gay person that I affect them, that they like or admire me or think I am attractive. I do not take this lightly. It does not gross me out or make me uncomfortable. It is an honor to be singled out. Contrary to popular belief, being gay does not mean you are going to be attracted to everyone simply because they are in that gender identifying group. I would like to take this time to say to Jax Jackie how sorry I am for displaying wardrobe choices that may have inadvertently caused heartbreak and disappointment in some, due to these wardrobe choices, sending out mixed messages regarding my sexuality. The studded belt and black leather jacket are my way of trying to make this tiny 4ft8 body of mine, more badass. I guess it’s a bonus that it also makes me more attractive to members of the Lesbian community. The type that, the American Cartoonist: Alison Bechdel referred to as
‘’Simply better than everyone one else.’’