we are all glow worms

we are all glow worms

The storm is rough and angry. The boat is being hurled about on choppy water like it is a ball of scrunched up newspaper. the rain is heavy the lightening frequent. I stand in a room with a bunch of cowardly men who are willing to make shady dealings that will result in the pain and anguish of innocent people but save themselves. I will not do it. I cannot do this. I would rather go down with the ship. I declare to the impassive looking gentlemen. I make a dignified exit with the utmost amount of indignation.  The next thing I know I am inside a train carriage with a group of fellow minded visionaries. We have all strapped ourselves into our seats. Someone is driving the train into a tunnel that is blazing with fire like the pits of hell. I can see the flames engulf the train slowly as we drive further and further inside. I wait to feel the heat and hope that im dead before the flames start burning me. I am not a woman of my word it would seem. I did not go down with the ship.  Before the flames start to hurt I wake up. It is ten to seven in the morning and I am alone. To contemplate what the dream could mean. Afriend later in the day will say that my subconscious is very dramatic.

The dream leaves me a little anxious. Its too obvious about my unconscious mormon guilt that has me worried my decisions made about my life after choosing to disregard the belief system I was raised in has me on a hellish trajectory. The thorny path I picked myself.

Speaking of hell directed living, I went to the most fancy restaurant I ever have on Sunday. The waiters wore white suit jackets. There was not even one stain on them. The waiter mistook me for being in the same age bracket as my partner’s niece and nephew. They took my wine glass away. It was sorted out ” She looks effervescently young but she is old enough to drink wine. I promise you.” My partner says and the waiter replaced my wine glass. ‘Don’t let it happen again.” I say in my best most posh sounding voice. I ruin any semblance of adulthood by immediately ordering a cocktail because the name indicates it will be a pretty colour: Violet Skies. The drink is indeed a pretty colour and tastes like expensive fairy floss so I’m satisfied beyond belief. And by the end of the evening which is celebrating a marriage of 14 years ( they are an adorable couple )  I am tipsy and full.

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I have always wanted a pair of bright white kicks or sneakers. Not sure why. I guess so as I have something to reflect my loss of innocence over time as the white sneakers slowly get dirtier and dirtier. I now have a pair of white reeboks that fit my tiny feet perfectly and that were on sale. I went into one of those terrible sneaker shops that play loud music that makes your brain thump in time even though you don’t want your brain to thump in time with the deafening beat.  I also got a pair of black sneakers as well. Sometimes I catch myself thinking that I have it pretty good: old enough to drink but small footed enough for kid shoe prices. Kind of evens out the inconvenience of having wine glasses removed at fancy restaurants. Never underestimate the joy of coming home with two shoe boxes. Two! The possibilities of them. I could turn them into gift giving accessories. They could hold fancy notebooks I never use… They could be loved intently then thrown in the recycling. I could see how many tightly rolled totes from my tote bag collection could fit in one.

It is the first week of the new year and I have already finished a novel. The first in a trilogy by Phillip Pullman. The first book in the trilogy entitled The Golden Compass enchanted and consumed my attention way more than The Lord Of The Rings ever did. Oh how those books and films bored me. (I’m so sorry Dad! I know you love them.) The trilogy His Dark Materials has a small girl as its central character called Lyra. She is strong willed and quick thinking and brave. If I could have children I would put that name down as a strong contender. I spent those few days away at my friend’s parent’s house in Fish Creek totally absorbed in the unfolding story. There is a alcoholic bear who drinks a beverage that is a mixture of gin and whisky. There are world within worlds and conspiracies. There is a terrible organization secretly doing terrible things to children in the name of research.  There is a wonderful line that speaks of how churches use power and fear to control and that if there is a battle then the side opposite religion is best and far more ethical.  I have been warned that the second book takes a dark turn but I feel like the first book had some pretty dark material. Especially the stuff involving what the organization did to the children they stole, all the cutting and keeping them  on the cusp of life and death. In Lyra’s world everyone has a animal companion that can change shape and is always with you. A constant friend and protector that you cannot be separated from as it is a part of your soul. I would love something like that.  A physical furry and cute representation of my emotions. I would hope it would be something easy to carry inside pockets or rest comfortably on my narrow shoulder.